I forgive you

June 4, 2019

The other day I found some pictures of mine from years ago. I smiled as I scrolled through high school pictures, cringing at the clothing selections, the dumb things we did as kids, but smiling at the good memories. 

Until I came to the beginning of 2015. Very much a teenager, very much pregnant. I debated skipping over those pictures altogether, not wanting to relive those incredibly hard memories. But for some reason I kept scrolling. 

Pictures of me pregnant..hospital pictures..newborn pictures..then, engagement pictures. 

I expected to feel anger, hatred, or loathing for my ex-husband. But as I scrolled through engagement, wedding, and pictures of our first home, I didn’t feel those things. I stopped and sat there for a while, trying to find a word for what I was feeling. I went back to the pictures and continued to scroll through that short year of marriage and the few pictures we took. And I got teary eyed..

I messaged my best friend Jess and cried,

“Jess I’m not angry at him anymore.”

“I’m listening,” she replied. 

I went on, “I think I’m…heartbroken. And that’s so conflicting for me because I’ve been angry for so long. He put me through absolute hell and I wanted to die. And I’m almost mad that I don’t hate him anymore. That hate is what fueled me to live and to succeed and to be better. And now that I am..I think it’s time to let go. I need to use my children and my partner and my passions to fuel me instead. I’m looking at my ex’s face in these pictures and instead of having flashbacks of the abuse..I just see a really sad and messed up guy. I’ll never condone what he did, putting us through hell and then abandoning my girls. But I don’t hate him anymore.”

And so, to my ex-husband, wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, I forgive you.

 I hope you can find some peace, and even happiness someday. I am living my best life with the man of my dreams and 2 beautiful daughters who love me, and I’ve started to heal from the pain of the past. 

I wish the same to you. 

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Catching Up

May 24, 2019