Catching Up

May 24, 2019

I came across a post the other day that read:

If you’re over the age of 20 and you lost all of your teen years to mental illness and never got to be normal, or date, or healthy, or you didn’t have the right nurturing and support from BOTH biological parents and now you have to sort of play catch up with your life whether that’s getting your GED, or starting college, fixing your mental health, or starting things you told yourself you’d start or try to start over and over again no matter what that is, and trying to fight to live and accomplish shit you FEEL you should’ve accomplished as a teenager but did not have the capacity or insight to care about because of your mental illness,

  1. I am so fucking incredibly sorry, and I’m thankful you’re here, and I’m thankful you aren’t dead, but most importantly;
  2. You are N O T a failure. You took your time because you couldn’t put more on yourself than you could bear to carry and that is a mark of self care. I’m so proud of you…and you’re actually fighting your way to the top and trying to figure shit out now even though it’s harder now?? You’re a fucking boss and don’t you dare forget it. You could’ve given up, but you didn’t and for that, you’re victorious and I’m completely in awe of you.

I’ve had a lot of things resurface for me lately and I think it’s because now that I’m finally in a place of stability and not constantly experiencing new trauma, my old trauma is resurfacing so that I can properly process it.

By the age of 20 I was single mom of 2 little girls under the age of 2. I had just gotten out of an abusive marriage, a relationship that had started in high school. And I realize that I have been so hard on myself since then, thinking that I should have more accomplished by now, or more figured out.

I still don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I dont think I’m very good at anything and oftentimes I feel lost. But I need to remind myself to breathe. To slow down.

My daughters are happy and cared for. They have a home, a warm bed, and food to eat every day. Not that long ago we didn’t have any of those things.

So I’m going to breathe and give myself a little grace. So I dated the wrong person and learned a hard lesson. So I’m further behind than I think I should be. Sure I dont have it all figured out like I want to. And that’s life. You learn, you hurt, you love and laugh and cry and you keep going. You get setback and you grow and it’s all going to be okay.

I’m grateful to have a partner now that allows me to heal and doesn’t cause more trauma, and two beautiful daughters that see past all my faults and shortcomings and still shower me with unconditional love. I’ve had so many chances and reasons to give up. But I haven’t. And for that I’m victorious.

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June 4, 2019